Compassion is a mental/emotional state – like fear, joy, anger, surprise, and frustration.
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Compassion is a “quivering of the heart” in response to another’s suffering – an open-hearted tenderness and care for the other that naturally results in the desire to help ease that suffering. Although often associated with empathy (and empathy often leads to compassion), it is different in that it “holds the suffering in care” rather than being fully drawn into the suffering.
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Compassion is a pro-social impulse that benefits us individually and collectively, by:
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Giving us a sense of connection with one another,
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Allowing us to see more clearly the suffering around us – and understand that we are not alone in our own suffering,
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Motivating us to notice and understand the factors/dynamics that cause suffering,
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reducing the likelihood that we will harm others,
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Expanding our ability to work together to address larger challenges in a way that best provides for all,
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providing the opportunity to positively contribute to the wellbeing of others and ourselves (giving us a sense of meaning and agency)
Compassion naturally arises. It has a biological/physiological basis: mirror-neurons, endorphins, and oxytocin support a “tend and befriend” instinct that promotes bonding and caregiving. It is not an intellectual decision – and cannot be “willed,” just as fear, joy or grief cannot be willed (or willed away). It is not a moral/character trait – it is a mental/emotional state.
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On the other hand, with all emotional states we have the capacity to consciously nurture conditions that promote, temper or discourage them. So an intellectual or moral “commitment to compassion” can drive us to develop and expand our innate capacity to respond compassionately to others, ourselves, and life and to undertake actions motivated by that compassion. We are naturally attracted to compassionate people, who exude a sense of peace, safety and affirmation that we can immediately sense and that we all crave. Also, like other emotions, compassion can be contagious.
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But Compassion must compete within our brains/nervous systems with the primal, brainstem functions of fight, flight or freeze. Our brains naturally scan for threats, and the perception of threat (or even a potential threat) has been shown to impede empathy – and triggers defensive (rather than connecting) impulses. Layer on top of that individual, generational, and systemic trauma, and it is easy to see how our instinct for compassion is buried under fear responses, which also manifest as stress, judgement, anger, aggression, and a need to control. Human beings have been inflicting great violence upon one another for millennia, not to mention the violence of social, political and economic oppression and exploitation, so it is no wonder that most people react from some level of trauma.
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There are a number of challenges for those who are highly empathetic and/or who value compassion, such as:
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Being drawn into the suffering of others, resulting in a state of overwhelm and pain. This can be paralyzing, prevent clear thinking or action, and/or result in “compassion fatigue.”
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Having our own trauma and/or fear triggered by the harm caused, so that we are acting out of fear or anger toward the perpetrator rather than compassion toward the person suffering.While highly motivating, fear and anger often do little to actually relieve suffering and are at tremendous risk of causing further harm, making situations worse and conflicts harder to solve.
But the path of Compassion can be profoundly healing because compassion connects us – and as a social species, perhaps our deepest need is for connection and belonging. For those of us wishing to wholeheartedly follow this path, we must necessarily become intimate with our own suffering – our pain, fears, stress, trauma, disappointment, self-doubt, frustration/anger, etc. We must allow ourselves to fully experience it and hold it tenderly – so that we can achieve an understanding and groundedness that allows us to fully appreciate and hold the suffering of others without becoming overwhelmed or reactive. In so doing, we build the strength and courage to be fully present and engage suffering while maintaining a sense of wholeness and wellbeing – much as a mother can hold a sick or injured child with a calming reassurance.